just when ii tot...

just when ii tot it is dead, it isnt.
just when ii tot it is ending, it barely begins.

disappointed once again

if uu're guilty, then stop hiding stuff from me. the more uu hide, the more uu're disrespecting my trust for uu.
if uu're facing a problem, just tell me the truth. whether we can work a way out or not, its another thing BUT by being honest proves that at least ii know iim important enough to know the truth.

keeping silent doesnt mean nothing has happened. it simply means that the problem keeps repeating till im too disappointed to say anything. uu're the only one who can control what uu want or dunt want to do, not me. unless uu are a robot.

ps: im not stupid.

ii wonder....

with IT being so advanced and most of us has already input twitter and facebook as part of our lives, are there still anyone who choose to blog nowadays?

just take a look at my exit links. out of so many, only one or two are still actively blogging. interesting lives they're leading. :)

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.

have not been contacting anyone since....last tuesday?

not sure what happened to me also. ii just feel kind of lost yet cannot describe what is it so please dunt ask what happened to me or why the sudden change in me. ii appreciate everyone who care and bother to ask about me but ii really dunt know how to put it across to uu. =(

today, ii've finally decide to go online to chat and comment on facebook, and do some random stuff.

Note to self: ii've came to realise that there are people who bothers and people who dunt bother.

those who bother will bother those who dunt bother. so question is wouldnt those who bother ever feel tired to keep bothering those who dunt even give a damn?

Sometimes we feel we care too much and the other party dunt even gives a damn but how will we know the other party never did care, whether he/she choose to ignore or choose to hide their feelings?

People like me, gives a damn to everyone who walks into my life, till the extend where iim tiired of holding on to relationships which in the end,we're back to acquaintance. HOWEVER, ii am also the type where ii dunt give a damn, not because ii choose to ignore or bo chup but because ii just hide my feelings so naturally that ii dunt cry nor give warmth to anyone.

this is my weakness. someone told me that before and ii feel its true yet no matter how hard ii try to let myself go in front of others, no matter how many umpteen times ii remind myself to let out my inner self, ii still cant bring out this warm aural. and ii seriously hate this fact about me. am ii just too cool, when ii actually do give a damn to everyone in my life?

ii cant start a conversation.

when iim in a conversation, it'll usually end up with the other party talking until awkward silence breaks out.

ii dunt usually cry, no matter how sad ii am, in front of others.

ii cant give warm comforting hugs. (some people do!)

when people pours their sorrows to me, ii feel so useless that ii cant give any good advice except my listening ears.

when ii see someone cry or feel sad, ii cannot do anything to cheer them up except asking them to look at brighter side of life? or asking stupid question like "why are uu crying/sad?" and because ii wanna prevent myself from asking stupid questions, like the one ii've stated, ii'd just keep quiet and pray hard that he/she will feel better.

ii do care! and sometimes ii even know why are they sad but ii just dunt know how to express it out. iim sucha loser. siiigh~

now to those who are tiired of holding on to the relationships between uu and me, iim sorry and ii do care!

the thing in relationships is "it takes both hands to clap" yet sometimes there's a lack in synergy, when your left hand moves forward yet your right hand stays still or vise-versa. after a while, because of constant "misses", both your hands gets tiired and thus stop trying to get the synergy back, thats when the relationship faded..back to acquaintance or worst, strangers!

=====================================================================================================

"There's one sad truth in life I've found while journeying east and west -

The only folks we really wound are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know, we please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best. ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox"

"Sometimes two people need to step apart and make a space between that each might see the other anew, in a glance across a room

or silhouetted against the moon. ~Robert Brault"

"To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada"

"A Missing Piece"

Came across this somewhere, somehow..

Because of uu, ii lost my sense of reasoning.

Because my love for uu blinded me.

Because uu promised to love me & cause ii trusted uu,

ii ended up with an incomplete heart with a piece of it missing.

iim not worried, someday someone will fix it.

But he'll never ever find that last piece,

That uu took away with uu when uu said:

"Girl, ii Love uu."

ain't anything

iim feeling weird.
iim feeling a mixture of emotions which ii cant describe.
iim having complexity in both my mind and heart.

ii dunt wanna do anything, yet ii also dunt wanna do nothing.
ii know iim giving attitude, yet ii dunt intend to give any attitude.

ii dunt wanna be perfect among those who look up upon me.

ii dunt wanna be imperfect to those who look down on me and even imperfect to those whom ii look up upon to.
perhaps ii cant afford to make mistakes. but then again, ii wunt be growing if ii dunt make any mistake. :(

this time, my world is really topsy-turvy.

Last week ii was emotional. This week, iim nonchalent. Just what the hell is wrong with me?

Oh wells, ii just miss my old self. ii guess ii have lost myself.

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Vexed & Frustrated!

Dunt talk to me if uu dislike my fucking attitude!

I hate it when iim being interrogated and ii hate being chided! Why cannot talk things out smoothly, must flare up leii?

I also hate it when ii rush down somewhere yet the person flies me aeroplane!
I hate it when pple spams my mobile with calls and msges expecting fer immediate replies.
I hate feeling frustrated!

I hate many things in my life!
I hate myself!

9SEPTEMBER2010
-was the day ii truly enjoyed myself!
Relive memories where the 3 of us could chill out and chat fer so long without feeling bored and time passes very swiftly!
-was joreen's happiest moment!
-the day ii feel blessed with many great friends around me!
-ii hope this day could repeat itsellf again ^^

Do not allow egoism stop uu from expanding ur social netwerk bcos uu will be missing out all the fun!
Memories once miss, can never be re-build again.

Monday~!!!

DAMN!!

ii feel like running away~

Problems coming up one after another. its never-ending!

ii wanna talk to someone who can give me answers to all!

dunt ask me talk to God cos what ii need now is physical advice!

can someone pretty please tell me what should ii do?

iim running short of time!

DAMN!

Whats the point?

Cos no matter what ii do, im always wrong.
No matter what ii say, if its anger words, uu take it seriously, if its heartfelt words, uu take it for granted. iim seriously lost now.
iifeellikevanishingcosnooneunderstands.

ii am so so so....

SAD!

No one seems to understand how ii am feeling right now.
No one seems to care.

ii feel like disappearing for a while, ii really do..
can ii?
or do uu really want me to? cos ii will go according to ur wishes.

when ii read ur fb status, uu just indirectly stabbed my heart. its ok, ii can take it.
but when ii read what ur friend commented, ii got pissed off. who the hell is she to comment on anything when she doesnt even know what happened??!
uu may think "iya, just post cos at that point of time that was how ii felt."
but sorry.. like what ii have always said,
"Beware of what you said/type, for once it is done, it can never be taken back."
uu agreed. so why this? if uu so wanna let ur whole friends know uu have been mistreated and have live a wrong life, then should ii make this happen? iim starting to doubt why am ii holding on to this rls for so long when uu just treat this as child's play.

iim not sure who reads my blog but gawd-damn it, ii dun't give a damn! its my own personal blog, ii blog what ii like! at least ii dunt post status in fb and let everyone see!


iim like standing at the verge of the cliff, with a group of carnivores in front of me.
ii am not sure whether to jump down or not. if ii jump, ii have 1% chance of surviving.
if ii don't jump, ii will never survive!

给我力量陪我闯荡..

what will uu do if.... ?

1) uu trusted someone so much but that someone betrays uu..
2) uu are too good, pple take uu for granted..
3) uu burnt ur ass, end up in debt when everyone starts to shun uu..
4) uu thought everyone loves uu but its only on the surface..
5) last but not least, what will uu do if uu only have 1 year to live?

What is your Dream?

Now that most of us have stepped into individual career paths, hoping to build a great future ahead of us.

Now ask yourself this question:
What are you working for?
- Money or Freedom?

If money, how long can ur income sustain you? If freedom, how long can you enjoy life? If its both, are you on the right track? :)


-Where has all your dreams went to?-

Suffocated

ii hate it when someone texts me and demand for a response immediately. ii hate being forced/threatened to do something and all the more ii wunt do according to ur expectation. Label me as rebellious or stubborn whatsoeverrr, ii dunt bloody give a damn on how uu look at me anymore.
iim siick and tiired of being the good'o'joycelyn, trying to please everyone so that ii wunt feel guilty of treating them bad. Yet! Who gives a damn onto how ii feel?!


*unicorns, dragons, wizards and witches~
Mystic waterfalls and pixie fairies..
Its just so nice to see them in my kingdom.
Too bad, fairytales never existed!*

time to reset myself again

ii want more, ii Need More, Please GIVE ME MORE~!!!
-ENERGY.for.TiMe.for.more.$$$$-

ii.dunt.mind.falling.into.a.sleep.debt.than.falling.into.a.$$$.debt! >.<

Heartbreaker

ii feel like... :'(

ii've prepared and put in efforts. Why cant uu feel or see it?

ii knew ii was going to be busy till late and by that time, all confectioneries will be close. Yet, ii still make it a point to go out,get the cake and place it back at home before heading out again, so that when uu come back, uu could make a bday wish.

7 years.. ii've always planned surprises for uu. Why this year turns out to be like this?

The moment have passed and will never return. ii hope uu will feel my sincerity and efforts instead of focusing on my faults.
it really made me hate myself sometimes.

Anyway. Happy Birthday my Love!

ZOMBiE!

currently: physically awake
conscious level: 0%
sub-conscious level: 50%

napped for 2 hours - 12am-2am.
woke up to finish what ii am supposed to finish. enough of procrastination!

saw this status on another fb friend of mine:

"There will always be a "lie" in believe, an "over" in lover, an "end" in friends, an "us" in trust and an "if" in life."

interesting ya?


iim ignoring all msn chats now bcos ii feel it is too time consuming.

ii really buay tahannn!

why guys like to ask irrelevant questions?!

1) the parcel came, it was for my sis.
they ask: what's this?
me: oh! min shopped online lo~
they: what's inside?
me: how ii know? ii'm also not her!

2) ii forgot what happened, but ii was annoyed again..

3) ii got gastritis, yet was craving for toast.
he asked: what you want to eat, ii buy for you.
ii went.. ii feel like eating 面包.
he: which type? BURGER?!
me: -.- zzzzz if ii want burger ii would have said burger not 面包 right?!
anyway, thanks for asking. morning blues + gastritis. sorry baby..

okies! sorry for being so direct these few days. iim very stressed up, thats why. ii know my boy have been tolerating all my nonsense attitude. 2-3 months is all ii need. please bear with me, my love..

because company is expanding triply fast, everyone is grabbing the opportunity to change their life. yes! the income seems easy but please have integrity.
superficial world they live in and ii am lucky ii am not under their care.. yes! ii may lose out but ii gain more.. money is not everything! it can't buy real relationships nor trust.

1 problem solved, another 2 problems arise. duplication huh? wth -.-

oh! btw.. Sarcasm is NOT A JOKE!
and any sarcastic remarks will be 100% ignored! iim serious!

interesting!

Happened to saw a friend posted this on facebook:

"If you do, it's wrong. If you don't do, it's not right.
If you say, it's unreasonable. if you don't say, you don't communicate.
If you laugh, you are crazy. If you don't laugh, you are depressed.
If you cry, you are sensitive. If you don't cry, you are emotionless. WTF?!"

quite true huh? everything also comment. L.i.F.E (-.-)

time to move on...

the problem has been there since years ago.. its never always my say, this ii understand.. now that the problem have worsen, ii blame myself for avoiding it, believing it will change for the better and not voicing out my stand.

ii know in ur eyes, ii am useless. in everyone's eyes, ii am.. and its time for me to move on..

ii wanted this relationship to last.. very much bcos of our pact.. ii am not sure if uu're the one.. but ii believed uu're the one.

ii feel so super funny about my life. can't even settle my own problem till the extent where ii need such a busy & successful woman to step in and help me out, and yet ii still have the time to help others settle their own problems. LOL! maybe ii am too soft liao... or maybe ii still cant let go of myself.. or face the reality.

well.. whateverrr. *no one cares too, except for those who believe in me...
yet the best problem to solve this and make me move on is *you*

do not doubt me for ii will make history come true :)

Flashbacks!

ii just cant imagine ii managed to verbally share a bit of my past to 3 pple! And ii swear ii felt like crying at that point of time. T_T i've never opened myself up to anyone verbally bcos ii jolly well know ii will tear. I still cant cross over to the emotional part. Sighh! (TBC was the only time ii shared my past briefly bcos ii didnt knew anyone there at tt time and everyone was sharing.) x.x

Gawd-damn! Tmr ii am sure ii will breakdown. I need lots of courage, encouragement and ii need that someone to just say "joyz, ii understand ur plight. I've been through." and really understand my feeling till he/she can express on behalf of me. I guess its tough because no one shares the same life story.

Now iim recalling back all my past memories. The unhappy ones, of cos!
We used to be..... And now we....... (iim not referring to my love rls here.)

Thus ii really admire those who have someone they can pour their heart out to, verbally. I have the "someone" too! Just that ii still cant let go of myself yet! Im more of a wordy person than a verbal person. It takes extra effort to express myself verbally. Lol! WTH am ii gibbering about. Ha!

If only someone can understand..
(Please! If uu are not close to me, dunt ever say uu understand bcos it sounds so fake and its not comforting but sympathies! I dunt need them! If uu wanna get close to me, make sure we'll contact each other almost everyday and have lots of topics to chat abt! This is what ii call "close friends.")

Mingtianhuigenhao!
I really wish someone can help me solve my f-up life!
I wanna cry~ OMG!!!